


Guilt of the Brother

by Hecatetheviolet



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst, Bible Quotes, Brothers, Canon Compliant, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Baggage, Family Secrets, Hurt No Comfort, Incest, Introspection, Leviticus, M/M, Other, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Twins, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Verses, Yukio Centric, demonic heritage, incestuous ideations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 12:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12958857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hecatetheviolet/pseuds/Hecatetheviolet
Summary: Yukio is a genius; he knows he is guilty. There is abstinence, penance, but no acceptance.





	Guilt of the Brother

His older brother was like a thread that ran through his entire life, a steel cable that held everything together. Rin’s life was woven so tightly into his own that to try to remove it would be impossible, painful. Pulling that single, central thread would bunch and gather and tear his life apart like the cheap fabric that Father had helped them make into simple costumes for the school play when they were seven. Rin was always there, even when he wasn’t – that connection would never be abated. 

There were so many things aberrant about them, about their connection, their lineage. 

They were twins, together even before birth, already deviating from the norm, and their lineage – he didn’t like to think about that very much. But if Rin was like a safety cable then their biological father was like a self-destruct switch. Something always looming and an integral part of their construction, but also entirely unnecessary, a constant threat. That – the simple fact of who they were (Satan’s sons, splinter forms of the incarnation of evil) was deeply abhorrent in every way, especially to him, and he knew it would be the same for Rin, who suffered more for it. Yukio should be the one suffering. He was suffering -

There was more, more abhorrence in Yukio than in Rin – for if Rin had the physical traits of a demon (power, physiology, instinct) then Yukio had the heart of one (corruption, temptation, inclination to evil). They were perfectly divided – one held flames, and one was burning.

(Both he and they shall be burned with fire, so that there will be no immorality in your midst. Leviticus 20:14.)

He was the only one who felt this way, but he knew it was true. He was more than qualified to judge himself, he knew his own (dark) heart even better than Rin did and he was a genius. Those around him had started to say it with accommodated ease – oh, Okamura, he’s a genius, youngest to ever be recommended for the testing, he’ll ace it for sure – but Rin didn’t. 

Except when he was teasing (almost always) he said it with a different ease – damn right Yukio’s a genius! He’ll leave all his classmates in the dust, right little brother? – a pride and praise in his voice and beaming smile, much like Father, but different, because he was Rin.

But for Yukio, Rin was always different, always the exception (always in his heart). And that – that was the thing that he found most abhorrent about himself, the love that he should feel (supportive, caring, protective) was twisted by his equally abhorrent lineage into something – something disgusting.

He loves Rin.

(None of you shall approach any blood relative of his to uncover nakedness; I am the LORD. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father, that is, the nakedness of your mother. She is your mother; you are not to uncover her nakedness. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father's wife; it is your father's nakedness. Leviticus 18:6-12.)

It doesn’t sound so bad that way, it sounds good, stupidly good and it makes his abhorrent demon heart grow warm, which is how he knows it’s wrong.

He loves his brother, his twin, with a passion that feels like it could destroy him, with an ease that’s more like breathing (his heart beats, his lungs filter air, his muscles contract and he loves Rin). The sky is blue (visual result of the culmination of gases in the atmosphere absorbing and refracting different parts of the light spectrum) and Yukio loves Rin (emotional result of demonic heritage).

He loves Rin in a way that can never be abated, never be removed from him, no matter how many years he’s contained it. Years. He is disgusting.

That gives him pause. It really has been years – a decade, maybe. Seventeen years, even.

He remembers when they were little, Yukio the smaller, weaker one, dressed in bright clothes and Rin – Rin not too different, actually, still baby faced and wide eyed and trusting, but even more so, back then. He remembers always looking up to his brother, his beaming, loving brother and adoring him.

Sometimes, he let himself get pushed around and hurt just because he knew that Rin would come and save him, like a shining knight out of a fairytale, no hesitation. He stopped eventually, of course, when he saw how much trouble Rin would be saddled with because of him, but he also remembered not really thinking it a bad thing – he remembers reveling in Rin being called out by his teacher once, remembers the unyielding determination and protectiveness in Rin’s voice and stance and feeling nothing but love. It was like a declaration – to him, to the bullies, to everyone that Yukio was Rin’s and that nothing would happen to him under Rin’s care. It felt good. Like Rin would do anything for him, take a playground hit, take on trouble and little punishments, take on the entire world for Yukio and he – he loved it.

He still loves it, but could definitely not afford to feel that way, it was disgusting, abhorrent, and could get one of them (Rin) hurt. So he abnegated himself of Rin, slowly, unable to completely pull away, the need he felt for his brother was too deeply fundamental, he just couldn’t do it, couldn’t make himself leave Rin (it would break his brother’s heart). A marathon’s distance between them would do. A worlds distance -

If Rin entered a room he would occupy himself; he had lists of words ready at all times to memorize, facts and maths and sciences and exorcism rites and demonology when he was truly desperate (reading it made him feel too disgusted with himself to even look at Rin) just to make some form of barrier, some kind of mask.

If – if he knew that they were alone, entirely alone together he would deal with his feelings until they threatened to crest over him like a wave and drown him in their intensity before he forced himself to abscond (run away). 

(Cursed is he who lies with his father's wife, because he has uncovered his father's skirt. And all the people shall say, 'Amen.' Cursed is he who lies with any animal. And all the people shall say, 'Amen.' Cursed is he who lies with his sister, the daughter of his father or of his mother. And all the people shall say, 'Amen.’ Deuteronomy 27:20-23 

It would be too easy to give in, it would feel so right, that he knew he could do nothing but leave, even if the way Rin looked at him sometimes, like he knew he was avoiding him, hurt worse. It would be easy, so easy to just give in to his feelings, let them out in small ways; a more sincere, less guarded smile, holding his twin’s hand or initiating more physical affection, but it would be wrong. 

Rin would be surprised at first, shocked by his aloof brother’s gentle attention, but he would – he would love it (had been trying to be closer to the slowly vanishing Yukio for years). He would take the twisted, disgusting love Yukio was laying at his feet and forgive him for it. He would understand and try to help. Try to heal Yukio’s heart with his own and that – that would be even worse. That was what a demon does – it corrupts things. His disgust – disgusting incestuous love would corrupt Rin, and that was unacceptable. (Yukio would shoot himself first.)

So he abstained from Rin, from the closeness he could have had, from the temptation to tempt and corrupt and defile the pure soul of his brother, he abstained from Rin in every way he could.

It was the only way to save him, no matter how much it hurt him (hurt Rin) it was better than the alternative, better than what he wanted. Yukio would join their father in Hell and in sin but he would see his brother with a halo no matter the cost.

That was the goal he worked toward; save Rin. Save Rin from his own love, from himself and from the world that hated him, hated them (he felt he deserved that hatred) at any cost.

It was a goal, the hardest one he’d ever set for himself, but he’d been training for it – for that one pure goal, the only good he could do with all his corrupted heart. He threw himself into academics, learning everything he could get his hands on and his mind around, mentally filling the hollow bar toward his goal; first aid, herbal healing, medicine, surgery, geometry, exorcism, history, physiology, everything. All for his brother – all to save Rin. The more he knew the more ways he could look at the people around him and see easy ways to break them more than any physical blow could, a few, simple words and the application of carefully gleaned knowledge and he could defeat anyone who would try to hurt Rin. He had contingency plans for contingency plans memorized.

Each grade he got in school, every mark in the cram school, every bullet that hit the target was an accolade beyond what everyone else could see. They were all boxes he could tick off on a list that he couldn’t see the end of, all small gears in a bigger machine. 

When he was younger the first thing he wanted with all his heart to do was just to take that perfect paper, that highly praised project and present it to his brother – and sometimes he had, just to see Rin’s proud, amazed smile and cheer and get to have Rin make his favorite food for him as an unofficial accolade, one that meant more than the papers but not more than the checklist. He wanted to pin the papers and certificates to the wall of their bedroom, to the fridge, to the ceiling just to hear Rin’s praise and see him smile, but he didn’t allow himself that. He kept them all neatly stored away in marked files in the portfolio that Father bought him, just for all his important papers.

He worked hard to make his father proud right alongside his brother but not as much, not as wholeheartedly. He loves – loved his father, of course, but sometimes he didn’t feel deserving of that love, deserving of that pride and trust. 

Sometimes, he remembered feeling – feeling incensed by his Father – by his understanding, religious presence in their lives, by the fact that if he had known about Yukio’s feelings for his brother, known of his sin – Yukio didn’t know what he would have done. Would he have been understanding, like Rin would be? Tried to heal him? Been as disgusted with Yukio as he was with himself?

(Now the sons of Reuben the firstborn of Israel (for he was the firstborn, but because he defiled his father's bed, his birthright was given to the sons of Joseph the son of Israel; so that he is not enrolled in the genealogy according to the birthright.) 1 Chronicles 5:1.)

He’d known they were demons – known and guarded them. Brushed their hair, and heard their confessions and complaints about the weather, taken Yukio’s tiny shoulder strongly, firmly, and lead him down the path of an exorcist -

There was just no way to know anymore, and he found himself feeling horribly relieved by that. He’d hated his Father’s righteous upbringing, once. Once. He’d felt powerless; confused, frightened, cheated by his overwhelming love for Rin and he was a genius. A genius with access to demonology books – a genius with knowledge of demonic culture gleaned from – from certain sources he wouldn’t divulge under pain of death, that – that it would have been okay over there – in Gahenna. They – they could have loved each other there. 

Twins were the souls of lovers bound together, eternally, physically; it would have been more than condoned – it would have been expected.

When he first learned that he’d gone home reluctantly and hid himself in his room, hating the very existence of his Father – both of them (it wasn’t fair).

But that was when he was younger. He couldn’t hate his Father now if he tried. He missed him, missed him dearly, but there was still that horrifying relief in his terrible, black heart sometimes. 

He’d grown, since then. He’s learned, he’s accepted and accommodated and revolved around his love and the secret of it, and he’s assimilated as much as he could push himself to – but he still hasn’t learned how to stop loving Rin (how to make it stop hurting). 

The distance he put between them hurt them both and – and he sometimes felt that it lead in part to the death of their Father, though he knew it was only a matter of time, something neither of them could have prevented. But by then – when they needed each other most, when there was no one for him to fear finding out about his sin, when they would have been alone so often, together – he pulled away more.

He had to. He had to. He could never do that to his brother – never. The distance grew and he began to see honest mistrust and hurt in his brother’s eyes and it hurt so much. He pushed and postured and lied and threw acerbic words around, used all the knowledge he’d gained to save Rin to save Rin by hurting him. He was mostly talking to himself, he could easily admit. 

I can’t trust a demon (I can’t trust myself) 

Demons are creatures of evil (I’m a sinner, Rin, don’t let it infect you)

Don’t touch me (I can’t trust myself I can’t trust myself but I can trust you I can trust you to keep loving me like a brother and caring for me and I can trust you to take a goddamn bullet for me and I can’t trust myself not to –

Not to-

I - 

I have to leave)

Sometimes he laid the harshness on too thick, sometimes more of his disgust for himself would show than he meant it to, and he knew that Rin heard that, that he felt it like a blow (they both did) but – but it was the only way. Distance. Quarantine. Penance. 

It was a warning for Rin and a punishment for Yukio; saving his brother from him and taking away all the small things he’d been allowing himself to take from Rin because of his selfish, disgusting love – his time, his attention, his care, his smiles, his praise, his protection, his selflessness, no more. He’d let himself slip like a helpless addict back into a destructive habit the moment he wasn’t supervised. No more.

Yukio was a genius because of his hard work, but he had a natural acumen inherently, and a natural drive; it was those things combined that made him the genius that he is now and as a genius he was more than qualified to judge himself, diagnose himself. 

He was obsessive (love is patient-), jealous (kind-), selfish (generous-), lustful (lust is cruel, selfish, and jealous). Yukio – Yukio lusted after Rin.

(Uncontrolled as water, you shall not have preeminence, Because you went up to your father's bed; Then you defiled it--he went up to my couch. Genesis 49:4.)

He could admonish himself every time he felt his heart stutter, his entire being reacting to Rin’s presence (+/- 45% pupil dilation, steady pulse once – racing now with fear, with horror - ) but it wouldn’t do any good. He lusted after Rin, yes, but it wasn’t – it wasn’t exactly sexual.

He wanted – he just wanted Rin, in every way, and he wanted to – to make love to Rin, but it wasn’t his focus. He didn’t have to hide any obvious arousal or evidence of masturbation as he was almost sure would have been more normal for a boy his age (a boy as sinful as him) but he simply didn’t feel like that. Not about Rin. Not about anyone.

He wanted to see Rin sexually, but – but there was nothing actually sexual about it. He wanted to see Rin naked, on his bed, with him, trusting him like that, loving him like that. He wanted to make Rin feel good, wanted to kiss him and – and everything else, completely, but thinking about, imagining it, playing it out like a movie in his head didn’t - didn’t make him aroused. It just – it just felt good in a way he couldn’t describe. Sensual and trusting and a declaration between them and imagining it made his heart ache in the best way (the worst way) but it wasn’t – like that.

That was one sin he could truly, honestly say he was not guilty of (all his guilt was more contained, not spread across every sin). Lust. True lust, the way it was defined in any of the many books he owned or had consulted was entirely sexual, the sin in itself a lack of any emotion other than sexual longing and an inability to care about the others involved at all - Yukio was exactly the opposite.

He loved Rin. There was no room for cruel lust in his heart, but he had no other way to define his feelings. Lust was disgusting, obsessive, jealous. 

He didn’t feel the sting of jealousy as often as he had used to, the distance he had placed between them seemed to have helped with that somewhat and that made him glad on one level, his plan to save Rin from his love was working, but on another it terrified him. 

What if he stopped loving Rin?

That’s what he should do, that’s how it should be but – but then what would he do? How would he live? His entire life revolved around Rin; not loving him would be like losing him entirely. He felt something like existential despair even thinking about it.

But losing that love was impossible, unthinkable. He had loved Rin literally his entire life, it wasn’t just going to fade, no matter how much he (didn’t) want it to.

So he worked with it. He still fought it – still pushed it (Rin) away, still felt disgusted with himself every time it surged back up, but it was also an integral part of his being. A hated part, but necessary for the whole to function, the same as their demonic lineage; there and unchanging and impossible to rip away. A stain that would not falter.

They were twins, not in the way many twins were, as mirror images, the same, but as inverses. Rin was kind (always), accepting (no matter what, except toward himself), selfless (to the point of getting in fights on a weekly basis to save others, even mere animals. Yukio had even made a chart once. Rin’s protectiveness peaked around May and was lowest near November, but never nonexistent); Yukio was none of those things.

He looked out for himself first (Rin first), judged and collected the weaknesses of everyone around him, memorized their psychological responses, reflexes, safety zones, weak points, mental breaking points, fears, phobias, allergies, sensitivities, basic daily schedules, until he could utilize any of them on a moment’s notice, could blackmail or threaten or terrify or kill anyone, could think of dozens of ways to do it effectively if the need ever arose (if they ever threatened Rin), could hide a body (horrible, plausible plans and plans within plans) He could do that. He would do that.

He would, for Rin. It was the same as how Rin would jump into a fight to save Yukio (to save anyone), and the opposite. Rin would hurt them only as much as another human could, push them away and make sure they knew their mistake, but he would never hurt them badly. Never kill them – maybe – maybe he would kill a demon but the empathy he felt for every living being would drown him in guilt for it, the similarity he felt between them and himself wouldn’t allow it. He’d kill Satan – kill their father, yes, but so would an angel if they got the chance.

(If there is a man who takes his sister, his father's daughter or his mother's daughter, so that he sees her nakedness and she sees his nakedness, it is a disgrace; and they shall be cut off in the sight of the sons of their people. He has uncovered his sister's nakedness; he bears his guilt. Leviticus 20:17.)

And that’s what Rin was; an angel. Yukio had been leaving the room after a session in the library (third door in building, three o’clock from direct center, two full shelves in front, hallway with fountain and sharp cornered picture above, thirteen steps to main door, busy street, walls not soundproof – five plans to defend himself or subdue someone quietly, three loudly, one immediate escape – plans within plans) when he overheard the teachers who had stayed to grade papers begin to talk about him. 

That boy – a true genius and a face like an angel.

He had had to make himself breathe, make himself leave quietly and smoothly as though he had not heard. 

He was the twin who appeared human, who looked like an angel but had a demon’s abhorrent, cruel heart; Rin was the twin who looked like a demon and had an angel’s heart.

Rin – beautiful, loving, selfless Rin – was the definition of an angel.

He had wanted to turn to them, turn and smile at them and tell them that they were wrong – that Rin was the angel – and quickly admonished himself. That must be keep a secret (only for him to know) until it would become a good card to use to save Rin.

He overheard many other conversations and gossip sessions (he had to know everything) and found it harder not to react when the subject was Rin. He had broken pencils and torn paper over the years when some fool he could kill in seconds spoke lies or cruel things or made baseless accusations toward Rin – and had to admonish himself every time for that carelessness. He had to keep his observations a secret from them – had to protect Rin. 

It was even harder not to react when someone praised Rin. They usually only praised his fighting in the training grounds or his progress during missions, but it was always grudgingly given by some, surprised observations by others.

Yukio wanted to smile and stand up for Rin the way Rin stood up for him – of course he’s an amazing fighter, he’s my brother – but always admonished himself. He had to appear as far emotionally from Rin as he could. It was only safe.

He went back to his office and stared at the papers he needed to grade, the essays that needed critiquing, the forms that needed signed, the report he could read from Shura about Rin, the report he needed to finish from the mission last night, the clock, the wall, Rin, Rin, Rin.

He took in a deep breath and leaned back in his chair, removing his glasses and scrubbing his face.

He needed a distraction.

He needed to be cleansed.

(If there is a man who lies with his father's wife, he has uncovered his father's nakedness; both of them shall surely be put to death, their bloodguiltiness is upon them. 'If there is a man who lies with his daughter-in-law, both of them shall surely be put to death; they have committed incest, their bloodguiltiness is upon them. Leviticus 20:11-12.)

**Author's Note:**

> There is an honestly horrifying amount of incest fantasies in this fandom? It's practically inescapable; even I got infected, somewhat. Here's my canon compliant take on this trend. I grow tired, so very tired, ya'll.


End file.
